Dateline: August 1944. Berlin.
America’s top scientists have been working to crack the code of what it is that makes Hitler tick, and we have reports that they’ve finally uncovered the source of the Führer’s dementia:Cup And BallFever.
After years of research, it has come to the attention of teams from Yale and Harvard that theCup And Ballfad currently sweeping the nation has the proven ability to incite fits of violence, innapropriate lustfulness, and chronic sloth in even the most hardy of men. As such, it is no surprise that Adolph’s backwards Teutonic brain has been warped by this silent menace, and given enough time for experimentation, our researchers believe this entire war could be attributed to the dark machinations ofCup And Ball.
We all have friends, children and even loved ones who spend hours entranced by the rhythmic bouncing and suggestive coupling ofCup And Ball, but according to both the Vatican and President Roosevelt, this child’s game is a danger to national security and the sanctity of the good Christian mind. Continually watching the ball penetrate the cup simply enflames the senses far too much for any rational man, woman or child to remain goodly, and the only known remedy for the state of animalistic bloodlust that follows prolongedCup And Ballabuse is for the afflicted person to have the soles of their feet burned every hour, on the hour, for up to a week. This treatment drives out any impure thoughts, and removes the desire for any further degenerate rounds ofCup And Ball.
In this time of crisis, we’re calling for all good Americans to come together to fight theCup And Ballmenace. We are no longer fighting against foreign nations, we are fighting a war within America against our human corruptibility, but sadly, we can not drop an atom bomb on our own souls.
Here’s what the editors have been playing this week. Now please be quiet so I can finally see how this whole “World War II” thing ends;
Dick McVengeance:I’m certainly feelingA Touch of Evil, as I’m submitting myself to an onslaught ofTrauma CenterandElite Beaton my DS. Handheld is pretty much the only thing I can manage while writing papers and scripts.
hushgush:I finally got an HDTV last Monday, so I’ve been replaying my entire Xbox 360 library and squealing with glee at how gorgeous everything looks in 1080i. Most of that time has been spent withDead Rising, now that I can actually read the text.
Nex:After I was purged of myCup And BallFever, I spent a lot of time withLego Star Wars II, and the now-functional-on-360Panzer Dragoon Orta.LSWIIis some of the most fun I’ve had in a game in a long time, and I’m not even a fan ofStar Wars. The whole damn game is just so well put together, and after beating all the missions, I’ve apparently only completed 40% of the game. Yes, the unlockables are as immense as America’s passion forCup And Ball.
Chad Concelmo:I am finishing upFinal Fantasy V Advanceon the Game Boy Advance (which I am loving!). Also playing someGears of Waron the 360 andF-Zeroon the Virtual Console.
Colette Bennett:Okami. Better late than never. That game is everything everyone said it was and more. Why Clover Studios went under I’ll never know.
Ron “Thought Police” Workman:Boom Boom RocketFTW!!! A little bit ofCrackdown.King Kong… Yes, I know. It was a launch game on rails. I want the gamerscore. It was worth a rental. Another game I rented isEarth Defense Force 423#5271which is a really, really poor and unfinished game, but, I seem to have fun playing it. In the arcade its beenGyruss,Robotron:2084,Minigolf(Meh) andRob Summa is a tool.
Grim:I just picked upScurge: HiveandDevil May Cry 3(PC edition) but have barely even gotten play them yet. As always,Marvel vs Capcom 2has consumed a good chunk of my time.
Faith:This week I’ve been playingLumines,Trauma Center: Under the KnifeandCooking Mama. Now, I HAVE TO GO OPERATE!
orcist:Tekken 3andEarthworm Jimfor me this week. I probably won’t get to play too much until school’s over, but I may become a nihilist before then and just play to my little platforming heart’s content.
Nick Chester:Resistancesingle-player; just gotSuper Paper Mario, so I will start that soon;Guitar Hero II360; and I’d like to be playingCalling All Carslater this week, Sony.
Also, I just got a much larger, nicer TV than I previously owned. So I’ll probably revisit a lot of games simply just to see ’em on my new set.
Savant:As of late, there have truly only been two games that have been equally holding my time;Super Paper MarioandPuzzle Quest(for the DS.) However, this happy couple will soon become a crowd with my copy ofPokemon Pearlcoming to my door on Wednesday. Why Wednesday, you ask? Well, I ordered online to avoid having to punch soccer moms in the face at the local EB. No fuss, no hassle… though I wouldn’t mind laying the smacketh down on some members of the “Zit Patrol.”
Nonetheless, myself and three others (shouts to Gary, Eddie, and Joe) at my place of work will be having a blast during our lunch breaks. Let the sh*t-talking begin!
That’s the end kids. Hit up the comments and let us know what you’ve been playing this week, and please,never trust anyone over 30.
